Van plans

We’re off to Knaresborough at the weekend. And before you start, it’s for work! I have a 2-day induction with a new client on the Monday and Tuesday, so rather than staying overnight in a hotel all on my lonesome, we’re all going up in the van and staying at the Caravan Club site there. Of course, some silly moo (me) then somehow managed to book a meeting in London for the Wednesday so we’ll have to drive back on the Tuesday night – heaven knows when the dogs will get fed. Maybe a Maccy D’s on the way home...has anyone ordered a dozen hamburgers in one go before? They’ll clock my Amazonian frame and conclude that I’m a right greedy lard arse...no, the greedy gits are over there drooling all over their paws and suffering from an acute case of beef pattie mania.

What this trip does mean is that we’ll have to get the van sorted on Saturday before we head off on Sunday. We’ve got a dodgy battery, a kaput fridge and dangerous curtains. Yes, we must be the only people on the planet to have homicidal nets. You see, the hem has come loose on the bottom edge, forming a loop...or more accurately a noose, as Susie (whose favourite sofa is just below the affected window) keeps unwittingly sticking her head through it. She doesn’t know it’s there, so when she moves, the material tightens round her throat. It’s only the sounds of choking and coughing that alert me to the fact that she’s about to pop her claws so I have to run to the rescue, regardless of the fact that we’re doing 60mph up the motorway. I particularly like the way that A invariably asks for a can of pop while I’m struggling to keep my balance – you know, seeing as you’re up, dear. It’s a good job he doesn’t ask for nuts as I know exactly where I’d go for those – he can drive without them....